You’ve spent all your money on Christmas presents, and you’re tired of spending time in the kitchen, but you’re throwing a New Year’s party and you need strong, delicious punch in high quantity to ensure everyone gets their swerve on. What to do? Skipper. Good God, Skipper.
It’s Friday afternoon, you’ve made it through the long week, and it’s time for Happy Hour, Gizmodo’s weekly booze column. A cocktail shaker full of innovation, science, and alcohol. Happy New Year, let’s get drunk.
I hesitate to do this—it’s kind of like giving away nuclear secrets. Skipper was the go-to party drink for my friends and me back in our wilder days. Pretty much everybody in Albany, CA knows it (holla). It’s a punch that’s cheap, tastes good, and is extremely efficient at getting a lot of people very, very tanked. It is deceptively strong. Perhaps you encountered at some college party you barely remember. It is known by other names, including—and I shudder to utter it—Pink Panty Peeler. Sorry. Anyway, to us, it was always Skipper.
A Word of Caution:
You must respect the Skipper. Don’t be fooled by its cutesy name, pink hue, or sweet flavor: Skipper will f*&% you up something proper. The problem is that people don’t generally realize how strong it is until it’s too late. Blackouts, barfing, and/or inappropriate hook-ups are almost guaranteed if you overdo it. You have to put a sign by it warning people how strong it is. If you don’t, you’re a bad person. Nobody should drive after consuming Skipper, obviously. All that said, Skipper is awesome. If you take it easy and go slow, you’ll be in for a fun night. Great. Let’s proceed with caution.
Skipper is cheap and easy to make. When I tell you what goes into it, you will say, “That’s disgusting! There’s no possible way that can be good!” Oh ye of little faith. Everybody has that reaction, which is why you should make people try it before you tell them what’s in it. Reserve judgement.
• 12-pack of Natty Ice (Natural Ice Beer)
• 1/2 a handle of Vodka (a handle is 1.75 liters)
• 2 containers frozen pink lemonade concentrate
Some people will tell you to use light beer or PBR. They are wrong. If you can, use Natty Ice. It packs in twice the booze with essentially the same flavor. As far as vodka goes, it really doesn’t matter what kind you use. Wanna get the cheap shit? Go ahead. Some people accidentally get pink grapefruit juice concentrate. Big mistake. Pink lemonade. The frozen kind. If someone tells you to use the powdered kind, slap them. Frozen. Accept no substitutes.
Get a big ass punch bowl. Or get a large dish tub from a dollar store. Or a clean garbage can. It doesn’t really matter. Carefully pour in the beer along the side to prevent a giant foamy head. Pour in the half handle of vodka, and then gently stir in the frozen pink lemonade concentrate until it’s entirely disolved. That’s it. You’re done. Don’t add ice to the bowl, because if it gets watered down it will be nasty. Put ice in your cup and pour the Skipper in over it. You’ll need a ladle. The end.
Sound ghetto as hell? That’s because it is, but I’m telling you, it actually tastes pretty damn good. This still surprises me, but it’s true. It’s one of the reasons people get so trashed off of it—it goes down really easy. It’s also generally a fun, party-enhancing kind of buzz, but again, go slowly, because it can all too easily turn into a “Who is this I’m waking up next to?” type of hangover. I’d also avoid drinking other spirits, especially whisky. Bringing Skipper to a party will make you both hero and villain.
Okay, you’ve heard my cautionary words and now you know how to do it. Enjoy yourselves and don’t abuse this magic spell you now possess. Use it only for good, and never for evil. Don’t drive, be careful, have an amazing New Year, and check back next Friday afternoon for more Happy Hour.